I'm feeling so sad tonight. I'm missing Ashlyn, my baby girl.

Sometimes at night when the house is still I look up and just think. I think about horrible things my mother did to me, how I decided not to kill myself that night so very long ago. How I view the world changed drastically after Ashlyn died. Some of me is still in there though, the shy sensitive girl who cared so much about what others think.

Now when I see myself there is so much I want to give, I just hope that when I do die someday someone somewhere remembers my life, me, I'm not just another wife, I matter.

We all do.

D&C big update

I just now realized I haven't yet told all of my readers what all has happened the past month! A week after I had Rosalyn I had a gush of foul smelling blood that smelled awful. My husband convinced me to go to the ER that night.

I didn't want to go but he told me I had to just to make sure everything was ok. Thank god I listened to him.

I felt fine but when they did a pelvic exam they saw infection. Then when they did an ultrasound they immediately gave me some high grade iv antibiotics. I had retained tissue, a lot of it. They let me go home that night and I went to the dr the next day. He was a sweet guy and he did another ultrasound on me in the room. He showed me the screen as he did it. He pointed out all the tissue, my uterus was full of it. Another day or two and I would of been very very sick. He told me I needed a D&C and I started bawling.

Since I had just eaten they scheduled me for the next morning. I was so freaking scared. When I woke up after the surgery I started crying because Jason wasn't there. The recovery has been painful. I'm feeling better now almost 4 weeks later but wow those things hurt. I never had any cramping like they said I would just sharp shooting pains.

To add on top of things two days after my surgery my bottom wisdom tooth broke in half. So two days after that I had to have all three taken out. So yeah this past month has been pretty busy for me, ugh. The great part is Rosalyn is doing wonderful thank goodness! She already weighs 9 lbs!

When you look at me

When you look at me what do you see?

A mother pushing a baby stroller,

And a father next to her carrying a bright eyed toddler,

What do you see when you look at me?

A mother with unkept hair and a tired look in her eyes,

What do you feel when you look at them? Can you see that sparkle of light on my shoulder?

When you look at me look closer you will see her,

My first child, always with me, always there, she was first, and always will be

When you look at me don't judge and walk away, I'm a grieving mother too, you just can't see it unless you look really close

When you look at me, look at me and the angel right beside me, and yours is there too.

She made it!

Rosalyn Florence 7 lb 4 oz 20 inches

Today is the day

I'm headed to labor and delivery in two hours. The drs are inducing me now (right at 39 weeks) so here we go. I didn't sleep that much last night obviously. I'll update when I can!

It's getting really close!

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and due to be induced next week. I had my appointment with the perinatologists and they said she looked completely healthy. They couldn't give me a reason for her failing her nst's. We almost missed seeing them because our truck broke down halfway there and we found out its going to cost a couple thousand to fix it. Ugh. The good news is though that she is healthy!!!!

The days are creeping by so slowly now. We still haven't gotten a closing date on our house yet because the underwriters keep dragging there feet about approving us. We are staying at a family members house right now and it sucks. We have to be out by the end of the month and I don't know if we will have a house by then. I just want to move into our own house already!

Yesterday I had my last drs appointment and she checked me for the first time. I'm sitting at 3 cm and 60% effaced right now which is good. I've had sporadic contractions but nothing regular. I have my last nst on Thursday, if I haven't gone into labor by then. I just want her out and healthy and safe!!!! I'm so scared and worried! I really don't like asking people for prayers so I will ask for good positive thoughts instead, we could really use some right now.

They don't understand

I'm mostly a lurker on a november due date board and I feel like an outcast. Every post I write people read but don't answer. I think they are scared because of my history, they think that if they think too much about my situation they might lose a child too. I feel so alone right now.


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