California Is Calling

2012-02-09T20:55:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling so sad tonight. I'm missing Ashlyn, my baby girl.

Sometimes at night when the house is still I look up and just think. I think about horrible things my mother did to me, how I decided not to kill myself that night so very long ago. How I view the world changed drastically after Ashlyn died. Some of me is still in there though, the shy sensitive girl who cared so much about what others think.

Now when I see myself there is so much I want to give, I just hope that when I do die someday someone somewhere remembers my life, me, I'm not just another wife, I matter.

We all do.

D&C big update

2011-12-22T22:07:00.002-06:00

I just now realized I haven't yet told all of my readers what all has happened the past month! A week after I had Rosalyn I had a gush of foul smelling blood that smelled awful. My husband convinced me to go to the ER that night.

I didn't want to go but he told me I had to just to make sure everything was ok. Thank god I listened to him.

I felt fine but when they did a pelvic exam they saw infection. Then when they did an ultrasound they immediately gave me some high grade iv antibiotics. I had retained tissue, a lot of it. They let me go home that night and I went to the dr the next day. He was a sweet guy and he did another ultrasound on me in the room. He showed me the screen as he did it. He pointed out all the tissue, my uterus was full of it. Another day or two and I would of been very very sick. He told me I needed a D&C and I started bawling.

Since I had just eaten they scheduled me for the next morning. I was so freaking scared. When I woke up after the surgery I started crying because Jason wasn't there. The recovery has been painful. I'm feeling better now almost 4 weeks later but wow those things hurt. I never had any cramping like they said I would just sharp shooting pains.

To add on top of things two days after my surgery my bottom wisdom tooth broke in half. So two days after that I had to have all three taken out. So yeah this past month has been pretty busy for me, ugh. The great part is Rosalyn is doing wonderful thank goodness! She already weighs 9 lbs!

When you look at me

2011-12-20T09:47:00.003-06:00

When you look at me what do you see?

A mother pushing a baby stroller,

And a father next to her carrying a bright eyed toddler,

What do you see when you look at me?

A mother with unkept hair and a tired look in her eyes,

What do you feel when you look at them? Can you see that sparkle of light on my shoulder?

When you look at me look closer you will see her,

My first child, always with me, always there, she was first, and always will be

When you look at me don't judge and walk away, I'm a grieving mother too, you just can't see it unless you look really close

When you look at me, look at me and the angel right beside me, and yours is there too.

She made it!

2011-11-25T12:45:00.002-06:00

Rosalyn Florence 7 lb 4 oz 20 inches

Today is the day

2011-11-19T04:49:00.001-06:00

I'm headed to labor and delivery in two hours. The drs are inducing me now (right at 39 weeks) so here we go. I didn't sleep that much last night obviously. I'll update when I can!

It's getting really close!

2011-11-15T15:32:00.002-06:00

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and due to be induced next week. I had my appointment with the perinatologists and they said she looked completely healthy. They couldn't give me a reason for her failing her nst's. We almost missed seeing them because our truck broke down halfway there and we found out its going to cost a couple thousand to fix it. Ugh. The good news is though that she is healthy!!!!

The days are creeping by so slowly now. We still haven't gotten a closing date on our house yet because the underwriters keep dragging there feet about approving us. We are staying at a family members house right now and it sucks. We have to be out by the end of the month and I don't know if we will have a house by then. I just want to move into our own house already!

Yesterday I had my last drs appointment and she checked me for the first time. I'm sitting at 3 cm and 60% effaced right now which is good. I've had sporadic contractions but nothing regular. I have my last nst on Thursday, if I haven't gone into labor by then. I just want her out and healthy and safe!!!! I'm so scared and worried! I really don't like asking people for prayers so I will ask for good positive thoughts instead, we could really use some right now.

They don't understand

2011-11-05T16:45:00.001-05:00

I'm mostly a lurker on a november due date board and I feel like an outcast. Every post I write people read but don't answer. I think they are scared because of my history, they think that if they think too much about my situation they might lose a child too. I feel so alone right now.

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Seeing specialist

2011-10-31T23:34:00.001-05:00

After yet another failed nst today they are sending me to my two perinatologists for a more in depth ultrasound. I will probably see them next week sometime. Scared is an understatement.

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So flipping scared!

2011-10-29T12:28:00.001-05:00

I know I've said this too many times to count but I am so flipping scared of losing this baby too. I'm now 36 weeks and our house that we are supposed to be moving into won't be ready for up to 20 days from now! I'm just scared, stressed and am trying unsuccessfully to keep from worrying. It doesn't help I had another dream last night about having the baby, but at least this time the baby wasn't stillborn but still it was scary. Argh labor is close and I'm so scared!!!! Oh yeah and my AFI went from 11 last week to 17 this week so I think polyhydramnios is in my future again. :(

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So scared 35 weeks

2011-10-27T12:59:00.001-05:00

The last nst went great! She did her heart accelerations like she should thank goodness! I have another one tomorrow plus an ultrasound to check fluid. We are still trying to get a house and it will probably be a few more until we get it. I really really hope we can get it in sooner because I don't want to have a baby in the temporary base housing we are in now.

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NST trouble

2011-10-23T13:51:00.002-05:00

Well we have finally moved to FL and it only took 6 days. We are just waiting now to get into a house and have been really busy getting my appointments set up. I have had two NST's so far and they have both been very scary. This baby girl might be coming earlier than expected.

During the NST's she does not do the normal heart accelerations like she should, even though she is awake and moving around. The first time I was on the monitor for an hour and a half, then she FINALLY did two or three accelerations and they let me go, saying it happens sometimes and maybe she is just a lazy baby. The second time I was on for two hours and they were really worried because she only did one heart acceleration. They did a biophysical profile and she passed with flying colors so the Dr. again couldn't tell me what was wrong. Google has NOT been my friend after I did some research about this. I am so scared she isn't going to make it. Is it asking to much of God for TWO healthy living children to love and raise? I am so so so scared. I have another NST tomorrow and will be seeing the Dr too. So I'll update the blog when I get back.

Her kick counts have been perfect and her fluid level is normal too so the only thing (that google tells me) that it could be is maybe she isn't getting enough oxygen from the placenta or cord. I don't know, I hate not knowing exactly what's going on. I just want her to live.

Kara

32 weeks

2011-10-05T11:37:00.001-05:00

Ultrasound went great baby is healthy and weighing in at 4 pounds at 32 weeks. :) forgive me if I don't post for a while we are moving in two days so I won't have Internet.

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2 hours

2011-10-03T08:57:00.001-05:00

Ultrasound in 2 hours will update when I get back!

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Next week

2011-09-28T01:43:00.001-05:00

Next week is my ultrasound to check on this little ones kidneys. We are also in the process of moving so I've been really busy trying to get things together. I'm 32 weeks next week and thus baby is doing good so far. I hope things stay good.

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28 weeks

2011-09-07T00:14:00.001-05:00

I'm 28 weeks and so nervous tonight. Over the last month I've been having strong painful contractions along with painless BH contractions. I had a doctors appointment today and told him about them but he didn't seem worried. He said I was overdoing it at home and if they last longer than 2 hours to go to the hospital. I'm a nervous wreck. I know I haven't been overdoing it! I'm scared this little one wants to come early. To top it off we are moving across the country in a month (possibly) and that's adding so much more stress as well. Ugh.

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I Feel Robbed

2011-08-13T21:12:00.001-05:00

My neighbor had her first child last week and it was a girl. I haven't seen her baby but I did see them come home from the hospital and carry her inside. (we live in a townhome that is attached to them) I though I was doing good handling it. I even bought them some onsies that should arrive in the mail tonight.

I thought I was ok, even when their friends started coming over and delivering food and gifts. Our door in two feet from there's so I of course hear it when people knock on there door.

Today I heard a car and looked out to see who it was, it was another woman delivering food for them. I heard them talk for a minute, then the lady said, "Congratulations!" and he said thank you!

I walked back to the couch with Sylvia in tow and sat down and cried. Jason came downstairs a minute later, sat next to me and wrapped his arms around me while I sobbed.

I feel so robbed! I told him. It wasn't us who were getting got meals from friends after Ashlyns birth, it wasn't us who were taking care of our firstborn daughter like we should of been. We were kissing her goodbye and handing her over to the hospital for an autopsy! Dammit why couldn't that of been us?!

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23 weeks

2011-08-01T15:53:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting here on the couch while my rainbow baby Sylvia is sleeping soundly stretched out on my lap. I listen to her deep rhythmic breathing and I'm happy but so sad at the same time.

Things should be so different.

When this new little life kicks inside me I smile, but inside I cringe, knowing at any moment I could lose her, she could be gone in a heart beat.

To say I'm thankful for my living child (and this new life growing inside me) is an understatement, but when it's quiet and still like this I think of that wonderful woman I used to read about. Her babies, all three of them were taken up to heaven much to soon. I wonder how she is doing, how her life is so many months after her most recent loss. Her blog is private now, so I cannot read it, but if anyone knows how she is doing please let me know, she has been on my mind a lot lately. Her babies are Freja, Kees and Jet I think, my memory is awful so forgive me if the names are misspelled or inaccurate.

I hope she is doing alright, she has been through so much, we all have, losing our babies is the most terrible thing that can happen to a person.

Kara

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Blah

2011-07-15T16:45:00.001-05:00

I hate it when I want to talk about the new baby but every single time I have to stop myself and preface every sentence with, "If this on makes it."

Ugh.

20 Weeks, it's a GIRL

2011-07-12T15:50:00.003-05:00

It's been a long time, as usual I haven't felt like blogging, don't know why.

I am 20 weeks and a few days, and we found out two weeks ago we are having our third GIRL!

She is healthy except for a small problem with her kidneys, go figure right?!

Apparently there is a bit too much fluid in them and the Dr said worse case scenario that she could lose that kidney after birth. I laughed and smiled after she said that, I mean THAT'S the worst case scenario?! YES!

She is having me come back in at 32 weeks for another scan to see if the problem resolved itself. I hope it has but you never know.

I hope all of my brave women out there in blogger land are doing ok. I think of you ladies often,

Kara

14 weeks

2011-05-25T17:23:00.004-05:00

I am almost 14 weeks, and just now starting to feel some movement. It's surreal, it really is, I feel scared, happy, and terrified all at once. Will this baby get to come home? Or will we leave the hospital empty handed as we did almost a 3 years ago. I am praying and hoping that Ashlyn watches over and protects her little borhter or sister like she did Sylvia.

Ultrasound pic to come soon.

Baby Baby Baby

2011-04-25T17:05:00.003-05:00

We went to the OB last week and had our first ultrasound. I was and am so sick but am finally starting to feel better with the help of some much needed antibiotics. Here is Baby:

He or she was measuring two days behind what I had thought, at 8 weeks and 4 days instead of six. I hope this little one makes it.

On another note, my OB here is terrible. He has no compassion and is not the friendliest man . He made me feel like just another patient on an assembly line. He didn't even warn me before doing the vaginal exam or when he was about to insert the speculum. (That was NOT a nice surprise!)

I hope next time he is better but I doubt he will be.

Nervous

2011-04-12T16:33:00.003-05:00

I am 7 weeks and 4 days along now, and have yet to see a doctor. My appointment isn't until next week so I am just sitting here, trying not to be anxious. I am so happy to have Sylvia to keep my mind off of the worry building in my mind. She is almost 1! Her birthday is next month! I can't believe it!

Hoops

2011-03-18T10:02:00.002-05:00

Still here, still scared. I will be making a confrirmation doctors appointment next week with my PCM in order to get a referral to an OB out here. The way the military works if pretty screwy sometimes, so instead of going directly to an OB I have to jump through a lot of hoops. Bah.

Pregnant!

2011-03-15T18:35:00.003-05:00

Well, I am 3 weeks and 4 days pregnant today! I can't believe I am pregnant again! If you are the praying type please say one for this little bean. I am so worried about losing another baby. Every twinge and cramp worries me. I'm going to make a doctors appointment in a week or two. My period isn't even technically late yet, so that's the first hurdle.

Please keep this little one in your thoughts and prayers!

Maybe a baby

2011-03-07T22:53:00.002-06:00

So my husband and I have talked about maybe trying for another living child soon. So last month when I got my first period since Sylvia was born I started using ovulation predictor kits. I have never used these before so I bought a ton and just peed on one every day until I got a positive. I got my positive on cycle day 23. We happened to do the deed that afternoon right before I got the positive. So there is a chance, a slim chance, but a chance nonetheless.

So today is 2 DPO (days past ovulation) or 3. I am not sure. I have stocked up on tests and will be using them in a few days. Ok, maybe I already used one this morning, LOL, it was of course negative.

Here's to hoping I'm pregnant, if not that's ok, but it would be awesome.

:)

Naive Neighbors

2011-02-08T22:04:00.003-06:00

Last week we finally talked to our neighbors that live next door. We had only spoken a few words to them here and there for the past few months but last week was different. We are attached neighbors since we share a townhome, so you would think we would talk more but they aren't very sociable, and neither are we, so we just never talked that much.

Anyway last week our neighborhood lost water. There was zero water pressure and we were forced to go buy bottled water. Well this was the beginning of a weekend (friday afternoon) so our neighbors stopped by to see if we were affected as well. She started talking as her daughter ran around the yard picking flowers and talking to our dog. Well a few minutes in she says, Jessica (not her real name) was asking me the other day how old Reggie was (there dog) and when she replied that he was 15 years old Jessica said, "He's going to die soon isn't he?" Our neighbor said she burst into tears and said, "I didn't know what to say to her!" and then told me she wouldn't know what to do if Reggie died.

*INSERT EYE ROLL HERE*

So yeah at this point I am thinking you are ridiculous for getting so upset at the mere MENTION of your dog possibly dying. You have no clue about life do you?!

Then she goes on to say while chuckeling "Well my husband and I are thinking of trying to conceive soon, since Jessica keeps saying, You are selfish momma for not giving me a brother or sister.

At this point I am getting upset but trying to hide it by staring blankly at the ground. I keep going over it in my head, do I tell her about Ashlyn or not?

A few minutes later she is staring and smiling at Sylvia and starts giving me advice. "When you have your second one you'll see! and other crap like that.

That's when I had had enough.

She starts babbling and I interrupted her, "Sylvia is my second. I have two children."

She keeps babbling, not hearing me.

"She is my second child. My second daughter!" I look at her this time as I say it.

She finally hears me and stops and stares at me. "Second? Two?" I can see the wheels turning in her head as she puts two and two together.

My first was born at 34 weeks and lived 14 hours. Is all I manage to get out before she gasps and says "Ohmygosh!"

Her husband has joined us on the porch and he grabs his daughter and says, "That's awful."

Yeah, it's awful I think silently. She changes the subject and then rushes her family inside a few minutes later.

I was a mess the rest of the night.

I hate telling people about Ashlyn sometimes beause there reactions are so terrible. They get so shocked. How is it so shocking? It happens every single day!

Ignorent naive people. I dislike them so much.

Christmas Time

2010-12-30T00:00:00.006-06:00

I meant to post on Christmas, but the feeling was just not there. I am still here blogger friends, I hope you know I have not abandoned you, and I will not, I have been through to much with you all to desert you know.

The ornament looked beautiful on the tree, right next to her sisters. I have some pictures I will attach.

Things have been quiet thankfully. Sylvia had her 7th month checkup at the doctors last week and her new Pediatrician pissed me off. She was a tiny Asian woman with an attitude problem. She looked at Sylvia's chart and then asked me, "Is she formula fed or breastfed?" "Breastfed", I replied. She said, "Well her weight is literally off the chart." She showed the chart to me, I think it was something like 125 percentile or something. She then said: "Well I guess since you aren't feeding her solids that much I can't ask you to cut back on her nursing." and looked at me as if to say I think you really should cut back. I am NOT going to cut back on nursing! The lactation consultant at the hospital told me that she should get the breast whenever she wants it, and to not listen if people say not to comfort nurse, so that is what I am doing! She is a large baby at 23 lbs but hey, my husband is 6'3! I'm 5'6 so not tall but not short either! She is HEALTHY lady! Don't act like I am feeding her Twinkies and bacon!

Besides that idiot doctor our Christmas was nice, quiet and comfortable at home without family drama. It was so bittersweet though. I found myself thinking back to that day in the hospital, holding her sister and staring at her gorgeous little butt chin.

How was every ones else's holidays?

Thank you

2010-11-26T20:43:00.003-06:00

Thank you, to the anonymous poster who sent me the link to the ornament on Amazon. That was very very sweet of you. I was just about to buy it when ironically the day after I posted about it, my husband went on base and found one, the only one they had and picked it up for me. I was floored.

So thank you anonymous poster, even though I didn't end up buying it from there I appreciate you so much for finding it for me!

The Ornament

2010-11-22T19:38:00.003-06:00

Sad really isn't the right word to describe how I am feeling right now. Everything came flooding back today as I opened my eyes for the day. I couldn't understand why until my husband came home from work and I told him how I felt. He uttered two words.

The ornament.

We went shopping yesterday and went into Hallmark looking for ornaments, one for Sylvia, one for Ashlyn. I found Sylvia's immediately, a bright pink onsie on a small hanger with a "Made in 2010" label on it. I snatched it up quickly and then tried to find the one I wanted for Ashlyn. I saw it, a shell with a pearl on it but there were none in stock. I asked the girl at the checkout if there were anymore and she said they were sold out, even the one she had up there on the display was already sold. They were even selling for $80 dollars on eBay.

I am out of luck.

I wanted to put both girls ornaments on the tree this year. Now I don't know what to do. It won't feel right without Ashlyn's ornament up there too, both my girls together for Christmas.

It all hit me today I guess, I have been so empty today, missing my firstborn like crazy.

I'll keep searching for that ornament, I hope I find it.

I miss you baby girl and I want you to know mommy loves you so so so so so much, and I know its early but Merry Christmas to my two beautiful daughters. I love you both so much!

Here are some updated pics of Sylvia, she is now 6 months old!!

Somber days

2010-10-30T20:58:00.002-05:00

We have been in CA for over a month now, and so far it seems like home, smells like home, breathes like home, if one can actually breathe a place in.

I am in a wandering mood, silly, yet somber, poetic yet, desperate.

My writing doesn't feel real today, I am just here.

I find myself overcome with, what I can only describe as change.

Never have I decorated for Halloween in this context, never have I held my living child on my hip while talking about where to put that giant hairy spider.

I look up the street and down, taking in everything. Are we normal? I ask my husband. Is this what normal feels like? Because I do not feel normal.

As we finish putting up the decorations with Sylvia clinging to my arms I still feel her, hanging beside me, she would be jabbering to us right now, telling us where to put the pumpkins and laughing about how scary the spiders are.

Maybe what I am trying to say is that I can feel her even more lately, surrounding me, watching her sister, and it feels good, but so awful too, I miss you baby girl, I miss you and I always will.

soon

2010-10-30T00:37:00.000-05:00

new post to come soon

California

2010-09-28T00:25:00.004-05:00

We are here. Sorry for the long absence. We moved across the country from Florida to California. It was a hellish drive. 3,000 miles of boring road, but we finally made it.

Sylvia is now almost 5 months old and her first tooth broke through a few days ago. She is huge, 18 pounds and full of life. Every day I thank God for her and whisper a silent prayer for him to let me keep her.

As she sleeps I stroke her cheek and clasp her little hand in mine. "I love you Sylvia," I tell her as I listen to her soft shallow breaths. Sometimes when I grab her hand it is cold, and it takes me back to that day at the hospital. That awful, awful day. I remember holding her sister's cold little hand as she slipped away. Now holding her living sister's hand seems so surreal, so blissful, words can't even begin to scratch the surface of it.

My dear blogger friends, I have really missed you, it's so good to be home.

California coast:

I'm here stupid blogger won't let me update my blog from my phone so I will have to wait until I get the Internet hooked up in a few days to update

2010-09-22T14:29:00.001-05:00

Two months

2010-07-08T10:31:00.002-05:00

I haven't forgotten to blog, it's just I haven't had any time to write when I want to. I have so much to say, about everything. So much has changed and hasn't. Sometimes parenthood comes so natural for me, other times it doesn't, and I have to take a step back and give myself time to think and breathe.

I have almost called Sylvia Ashlyn too many times to count. She looks a lot like her too, which hurts but I know they are two very different people.

Sylvia turned two months old yesterday, and I silently said a prayer for her big sister to protect her, since I know the SIDS high risk period started yesterday. We get her shots in a little while, and I am not really looking forward to it. I want her protected but I know that with shots comes fever, pain, and possibly swelling. I hope she handles it ok.

I hope everyone out there in blog land knows I haven't abandoned this blog, I will try to blog more now that Sylvia is napping more consistently.

6 Weeks

2010-06-17T14:51:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted in a while, I have been very busy with Sylvia. She is doing good, she has a bit of diaper rash that doesn't want to go away but with meds from the doctor I hope it will clear up soon. She is almost 6 weeks old. I can't believe it.

For Molly

2010-05-27T12:19:00.003-05:00

Something terrible happened on Tuesday.

When I was in the hospital for those 10 and 1/2 weeks pregnant with Ashlyn I had an incredible nurse, who over time became my very good friend. She wasn't on shift when Ashlyn passed but came to the hospital when I called her and we cried together as I told her everything that had happened. We prayed together as she held my hand we hoped that God was listening.

She had 4 living children of her own, and was at that time trying for number 5. She got pregnant very quickly and had a healthy boy nine months later.

In January she told me she was pregnant again, and I was so happy for her, because I was pregnant again too.

Fast forward to today. She messaged me and told me she lost the baby. I am devastated for her. She was only halfway through her pregnancy.

Her daughters name is Molly, and now she is up in heaven with Ashlyn.

Who knew that two years later I would be there for her as she was for me? I had hoped she would never feel the pain I had felt, never holding her daughter knowing it would be the last time.

Today is for Molly, Ashlyn, and all of our lost children, we love you and miss you!

Three

2010-05-26T13:17:00.003-05:00

Sylvia is almost three weeks old, and it all seems so surreal. I look at her and am just in awe. I don't think the shock will ever fade, I love her so much!

Here she is half smiling!

Rainbow Baby

2010-05-12T03:45:00.006-05:00

Weighing 7 lbs 15 oz and measuring 20 inches, my Rainbow Baby is here!

Meet Sylvia Rose:

She is here and safe! She came out after only a few pushes, just like her big sister, she was ready to greet the world!

L&D

2010-05-01T16:35:00.003-05:00

I went to L&D last night, not because I thought I was in labor, but because this little girls kick counts have been weird lately. I got all hooked up and the nurse didn't seem to understand why I was there. She had my chart and knew my history but thought I was being overly paranoid about her movements.

She commented that since I lost my first daughter to Potter's Syndrome and that this little one is healthy then there was no way I could lose her. My comment back to her was that cord accidents happen ALL THE TIME, and just because I lost my first doesn't mean this one is in the clear yet. She just looked at me.

People are stupid. This L&D nurse is not the smartest girl, it is sad that she works there. I really hope she isn't there when I actually do give birth.

ARGH! I am just so frustrated today!!!!

On a positive note baby girl is doing good, her NST was great according to the doctor that looked like he was still in grade school. She is moving a lot today but I am still paranoid of course. I will try to blog more often, I hadn't realized I had been taking such long breaks in between posts.

Abyss

2010-04-28T15:15:00.002-05:00

I need to talk. To let everything out. A very good friend of mine gave birth via c-section the other day, (it was her first baby) and her and her daughter are fine, totally healthy and happy. I am so incredibly happy for her.

Yet when I opened her email today I had to choke back the tears when she talked about how she keeps looking at her and can't believe she is hers. Will I have that moment?

I am so close now, every night I have painful contractions that don't progress, but leave me exhausted and anxious. Every night as I lay down in bed I pray that Ashlyn will watch over her little sister and guide her into this world safely. But what if it doesn't happen? Stillbirths happen all the time, babies are lost every day, I am not immune. No one is.

I feel like I am teetering on the edge of an abyss and I can't see the bottom. What will happen? Will Ashlyn's little sister survive? Will I survive if she doesn't?

I am fighting back the tears so much lately, I just hope that this little girl makes it. I desperately need reassurance but of course there is none.

Pray for my family.

Worried

2010-04-13T14:53:00.002-05:00

My hand never treads far from my protruding belly. When she moves and my hand is off my belly I frantically put it back to try and feel her movements. I try and catch them all, I don't want to miss any of them.

I am a nervous wreck. DH is losing patience with me, I can tell, I am losing patience with myself. I just want to sit in the shower and cry because of the fear. I am so incredibly grateful for this little wiggle worm snuggled in my belly but so terrified at the same time.

What if I lose her too?

Every time I move I watch for leaks to my water. I have never had amniotic fluid before so I am hyper vigilant about it leaking. The doctor says when it breaks it will be a massive gush, but that does not make me feel better. People have had slow leaks before.

There is no real point to this post, just my ramblings, scared, worried ramblings.

34 Weeks

2010-04-04T15:41:00.004-05:00

This week last time I was about to give birth. I was so happy and excited to meet my daughter. I was so sure she would be ok, I mean we were at the hospital with the best NICU around so she would definitely be ok right? Wrong.

This week I have already prepared myself to be the hardest ever. Every thump in my belly I wonder, is she moving enough? Where is her cord? Am I leaking fluid? How is my blood pressure? Although I have never experienced a stillbirth that fear grows in my head as each day begins and ends. Is she alive in there? Will she make it?

As of right now she is still transverse, or sideways in my belly, so maybe I will have to have a c-section, I don't know. My husband put the crib and changing table up yesterday. It is hard looking at them and imagining her in them. I try and try but then I stop myself because I know that I can't allow myself to get too positive about everything, because it can all go so wrong in a split second.

My husband is ignoring my fears, he thinks we don't have anything to really worry about, the odds are small. The odds are small, but I as well as so many other babyloss mamma's out there know the odds don't seem small when you are on the wrong side of them. Death can happen, I know, I just pray this time it doesn't happen to us again.

Momma

2010-03-21T14:10:00.003-05:00

I had a dream about her last night. Well actually two dreams. The first one I was holding her and her little hat slipped off and I saw her hair, it was in pig tails and it was dark brown, just like mine. I remember touching it and just staring at her.

Hours (and a few midnight pee breaks later) I had another dream. She was older, walking around our bedroom, playing hide and seek with me. I looked for her frantically and finally she popped up from behind the hamper, laughing.

I figure these dreams were about our new little girl growing in my belly, and I hope they are a sign of good things to come, but honestly I don't know.

My husband had a dream about Ashlyn while we were in the hospital with her. His dream gave me confidence and I held onto that until the day she died. I can't trust dreams now. They are just dreams, fantasies about what you want to happen, they can't predict the future.

So here I sit, worried as usual, terrified I will be that babyloss momma, the one who keeps losing her children, over and over, this fear is unfathomable.

0 for 2

2010-03-15T16:52:00.004-05:00

I have been hiding from my blog, I don't know why, I just have been. The weeks are creeping by and I am scared, more scared than I have ever been before. I had another doctors appointment today, all is good so far thank goodness. Then I got home and waited for the delivery guy to drop off a package of booties I bought last week. They came and I looked over them for a few seconds before I threw them into one of the bags of baby clothes. I don't know what to do with myself these days.

I just don't know. The doctor commented today that I am "all baby" because my uterus is so big it has ran put of room to grow upward, so it's growing out, and boy does it hurt.

I had a real contraction the other day after a bad encounter over the phone with an L & D nurse. It scared me and brought me back to that day I had Ashlyn, the pain, the hopefulness, then the terrible despair.

I was sitting on the couch with my husband the other day and had a really terrible pain so that's what prompted me to call L & D, I was worried about it possibly being a placental abruption. The first lady I talked to took my information, including my history with my first daughter. I told her exactly what happened. Then she said something absolutely awful, she mumbled into the phone, "Ok, so you are 0 for 2 then." I said, "What?" She then said, "You have had two pregnancies and no living children." I was dumbfounded! How could this woman have said that to me?!

She transferred me to another nurse who advised me the pain was probably nothing, but to monitor it just to be safe. I cried after I got off of the phone. How could anyone say that to a baby loss mama? It felt like in saying that she was condemning this pregnancy to fail as well, which scared the shit out of me.

I called the nurse manager the next day and complained about her. I hope she got written up or something. Now I am terrified to deliver in that hospital, I mean, if they can't even be compassionate over the phone how on earth will they be in person?

Every few days

2010-03-08T09:43:00.002-06:00

Every few days I go into the closet and peer into the large bags holding your clothes, I pick up your bib and wonder if I will ever put it around your neck,

Every few days I force myself to face the possibility of you not coming home,

Every few days I look up into the sky at night and wonder if you will fly to heaven to be with your sister Ashlyn,

Every few days I squirt gel on my belly and place the doppler on you so I can hear your heartbeat, because, maybe it will be the last time?

Every few days I cry, holding you as best I can, hoping that you make it,

Every few days, I let myself hope that maybe you will make it home, just maybe,

Every few days I imagine your little cry, and seeing you for the first time,

Every few days, I can breathe, then I can't,

Every few days, you remind me what I am fighting for.

29 Weeks

2010-03-03T11:20:00.002-06:00

Thank you everyone so much for your well wishes, I am 29 weeks so I need to bake this liitle girl until at least 34 weeks. I am not on progesterone shots and my two doctors haven't mentioned them yet. I see my OB next week I am hoping he will have a plan of action for me. I have been losing parts of my mucus plug the last week, and been having stronger contractions than I have ever had lately too. I am so worried for this little girl.

I almost went to L & D last night but the contractions stopped once I stood up and moved around a bit, so that was pretty scary. I was tested for infection last week and the test came up negative so I have no clue why I am having pre-term labor. My cervix has shortened from 4cm to 3.5 (in 8 weeks) so I don't know if it's that or what. I am confused and I hope to get answers from my OB soon.

Pray

2010-03-02T07:56:00.001-06:00

I don't have much to say today, I am on bedrest for pre-term labor so if you are the praying type please pray for our little girl, it is way to early for her to come into this world.

Not so easy

2010-02-25T11:46:00.002-06:00

I have changed since my first daughters death. Before she left I was sociable, funny, and personable. After she flew to heaven I have been sullen, distant and very un-friendly. When faced with a situation where I have to be sociable I usually do ok, but not great. These past few weeks I have had a nice girl try to be my friend, and frankly I feel like an outsider, an alien. It feels so strange to talk to another person. I am struggling with anxiety and trying to put on that "happy" face when all I want to do is grimace and slink away. She has been very kind to me though, so I am trying to wade back into normalcy (is that what you call it?) and be someones friend. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. My husband makes it look so easy, but to me, it is like climbing a brick wall with only your fingernails to help you.

Baby Girl

2010-02-12T16:41:00.004-06:00

I just realized I have not shared any recent ultrasound pictures of our little girl. Here she is at 20 weeks. The first one is her side profile and the second one is her beautiful face. We will be getting more pictures of her in a few weeks.

Sun

2010-02-03T10:51:00.006-06:00

I did something yesterday I never thought I would do. I bought an outfit for my unborn daughter. I hadn't planned on it, we were just looking for socks for my husband and we passed by the baby clothes and there it was. It called out to me and I grabbed it from the rack and just stared. It felt nice in my hands, like I was supposed to buy it. I have never felt that way before and it was so strange.

The tag said it was for an 18 month old, but I knew I had to have it. It felt like my unborn daughter was telling me to buy it for her, and I listened. My husband looked at it and tried to tell me to put it back, she wouldn't fit into it for a long time, if ever. I interrupted him and clutched it to my chest. NO! I told him, I had to have this, and he stopped talking and looked at me and nodded. He understood.

We made our way to the cashier and I placed the dress on the counter and almost started crying. I never thought I would be buying baby clothes, ever.

Here is the dress:

Doctor visit

2010-01-22T12:32:00.004-06:00

Tuesday I had my checkup with the OB, and it was a pretty ridiculously stressful day. Once we were in the room my OB comes in and says that this student doctor will be doing my appointment today. I should of known the kid wasn't going to know anything but I trusted my OB so much I tried to make the best of it.

First off the kid tells me I have an above average risk for cystic fibrosis, my blood work came back at 240 apparently. I ask him what this means for the baby I am carrying and he described the risks and what cystic fibrosis was. I was feeling pretty upset at this point but was trying not to cry.

He has me get up on the table to measure my uterus and he measures it at 20 weeks. I was 23 weeks and 2 days at the appointment! I tell him no, I have been feeling her kick me way above my belly button so there is no way my uterus is only 20 weeks! He tells me I am wrong, and sometimes the baby can stretch out the uterus and make it feel like she is up higher. I start bawling at this point. He measures again and gets 21 and 1/2 weeks.

I am now freaking out at this point. My OB pops his head in the door and sees me sobbing on the table and comes in. The student doctor tells him what I measured and he grabs the tape out of his hands and measures me himself. I am measuring perfectly! THANK GOODNESS! I can finally breath! He gets the doppler out and we listen to her heartbeat as the OB explains to the student doctor that since I have a longer torso it will be harder to measure plus I am not showing that much and won't be really showing for a little while.

The student doctor tells the OB about my higher than average risk for cystic fibrosis, and the doctor looks at my paperwork and says no, 240 is average, 204 is above average. I am again, fine!

Since we are almost to the viability point the doctor will be seeing me more often which makes me feel a lot better, but if he tries to push another student doctor on me again I will say hell no!

You are not alone

2010-01-20T08:19:00.003-06:00

I heard her before I even opened the door. Her sobs echoed against the cold tile walls, reverberating back into a loop of sorts, a horrible, pitiful, wail. I did not look at her. I did not turn her way, I know that's what she would of wanted. I walked to the stall and closed the door, unsure at how to respond to her, or even if I should. I stood there for a second, listening to her wails, her deep throaty sobs and realized she had probably gotten terrible news today.

This was the OB floor.

As I listened her sobs gave way to coughing, she was crying so hard she couldn't catch her breath.

I held my breath. I had been there, only a year earlier, in that exact spot, sobbing in the corner after getting grim news. Wondering to myself how could something like this could happen?

I wanted to comfort her, but I know it wouldn't help. I was just some stranger to her, to her I could never know the depth of her pain. She has to follow that terrible path of winding darkness her own way, in her own time.

To the girl in the bathroom yesterday, You are not alone.

Jumbled

2010-01-10T22:24:00.002-06:00

I am in a funk right now. My husband and I aren't getting along so great lately because his job is stressing him out pretty bad, and he in turn takes it out on me. So I am sitting here repeating calming things in my head as to not raise my blood pressure. I scan my friends blogs and look at there cute rainbow babies pictures, hoping in a few months I can add my own into the mix, and I tell myself over and over that most children make it. It's so hard lately to keep my emotions inside. I just feel like crying all day lately. Sorry for the jumbles post, my mind is all over the place lately.

Birthday

2010-01-05T23:17:00.004-06:00

It was my father's birthday recently, so I mailed him a gift. I emailed him late last night telling him when to expect it to arrive and he just now emailed me back. His reply hit my heart kind of hard.

He said: "You didn't have to get me anything, you three are the best thing to ever happen to me."

Us three. Not four.

I know he didn't mean to, but my feelings are a little hurt. My rational side tells me it was just a mistake, but my grieving heart says different.

She was here on this earth, just for a moment it seemed but she was here, and she was mine.

An innocent mistake but it still hurts.

The other day my husband and I were in Lowes looking at washers and dryers, and we talked to an older man that was working in that section. My husband was remarking on my belly and the man asked me how far along I was. I told him.

20 weeks I said.

He then asked me, is this your first?

No, my second I said, trying not to look as broken as I felt on the inside.

He asked me how old my first one was, and I told him she would of been 19 months.

Would of been? He said.

Yes. I replied.

The look in his eyes after I said yes told me everything. He stared at me and then lowered his voice. He said he had lost his first child too, he had lived only 14 minutes. His wife had an incompetent cervix and they weren't able to help her in time. He kept talking, saying that they tried again, and lost that one too, also to incompetent cervix.

His voice lightened when he started up again, he told us they did have a son, through adoption, and he was the best thing to ever happen to him.

We talked for a few more minutes, exchanging war stories, and then as we were preparing to go I looked at him and said, " I am sorry for your losses, we have the same scar." He nodded and looked at me silently for a moment, then walked up to me very close and said, "You will get over it in time."

I didn't know what to say to that as I did not agree, but I knew he was trying to be as comforting as he could so I nodded and smiled as we walked away.

I never expected to meet another babyloss person shopping for appliances, if only we carried a blacklight wherever we go and could see the scars we all carry.

Wiggle

2010-01-02T12:11:00.002-06:00

The ultrasound went great, the baby is perfectly healthy!!!! I was so shocked to see her little body wiggling around in there! The doctor came in and we talked about how things are going, and he told us how happy he was for us and how he hope things work out this time. He is a kind man. I will write more later I just wanted to give a quick update!

Seeing

2009-12-29T12:39:00.006-06:00

Someone is losing there baby tomorrow, at the same hospital, with the same doctor, we had. I just read a post over at Jonathan's Journey, a woman is pregnant with a boy that has trisonomy 18, and she will be induced tomorrow.

Tomorrow is also when I will be meeting that same doctor again for an ultrasound. This is the big ultrasound, the one where we find out if the baby is healthy or not. I am terrified of course, but I am also sad for my doctor. He deals with infant mortality every day, possibly more than that even. He is a kind man, but you can see on his face that he has struggled with the nature of his job.

What will tomorrow bring?

Fear

2009-12-27T23:59:00.003-06:00

I haven't wanted to post in a while. My mind has been busy with worry, anxiety and sadness. I was afraid of Christmas and what it would bring. It passed by me slowly and with much worry. The whole day I laid on the couch, my mind kept filling with what -ifs. What if this baby doesn't make it? What if we get to full term and lose her? What will I do if I have to see my husband crying, holding his daughters body in his arms again? I fear I will go crazy.

I am also struggling with baby things. Clothes, bottles, diapers, and everything else. I want to want to buy that stuff, if that makes any sense. I stare at pink onesies and don't get that warm feeling I had with my first daughter. That hope. I stare at it and try to think about if we DO bring her home alive and well, we will need that stuff. I tell myself that it might come later, months down the road, maybe my mind will change and I will buck up and actually buy the necessities for parenting instead of just staring at them longingly.

I don't know. For now all I have is hope, hope is what's keeping me sane, and knowing my first daughter is watching over her little sister.

Pain

2009-12-21T16:36:00.003-06:00

I started to have some pretty scary lower back pain today, and that prompted me to call DH (luckily he called me first) and wonder if I was in pre-term labor. It lasted for about fifteen minutes and would come and go every few minutes or so, and it hurt. Luckily just as I was about to go to the hospital it stopped. I had laid down on my left side on the bed and just tried to calm myself down. I eventually fell asleep and woke up a few hours later with no pain thank goodness.

It was very very scary.

Gender

2009-12-16T10:51:00.003-06:00

I went to the doctor today and was incredibly surprised to meet a caring, compassionate doctor for once!! He actually looked into my medical records and had a ton of blood tests done to try to figure out some problems with my blood. No doctor has EVER seemed concerned about my blood problems, I was so happy he cared!

He also did an ultrasound to look for the gender! There was amniotic fluid, but I am only 18 weeks so that could change but I am praying so hard it doesn't. I hope this baby is healthy. We didn't get any pictures of her gender but we found out it's a little girl! Ashlyn has a little sister!

All in all it was a great appointment!

Sleep

2009-12-15T10:15:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow I meet my new high risk OB, and of course I am terrified. Terrified to rehash my history, terrified of him being cold and mean, terrified of walking into that office again knowing I was in there last year, blissfully unaware of my daughters condition. The midwife I saw at 12 weeks was not kind, nor compassionate. I am so afraid this man will be same or worse. I am getting knots in my stomach right now just thinking about tomorrow. How will I ever go to sleep tonight?

Bed

2009-12-11T13:34:00.002-06:00

I haven't posted any pictures in a while so here is one. We had to take our big dog's bed away because of chewing issues so we laid it on the floor and look what happened, LOL!

The pug took it over!

Baby Girl

2009-12-06T23:18:00.002-06:00

I don't know how to feel right now. I have so many blogger friends now that have or are currently going through a Potter's pregnancy that sometimes I just have to sit back and take it all in. I am just so heartbroken that other families have to deal with this. I remember praying so hard for God to heal my little one, thinking if maybe I prayed enough, God would hear me and save our baby. That didn't happen.

I remember laying there in the hospital bed struggling to grasp what they were telling me.

I got bits and pieces at first, she hadn't wet her diaper, the ultrasound, the results, and the look of pity in the NICU doctors eyes as he spoke, while the nurse beside him started weeping. We sat there in shock. Why hadn't God saved her?

Months before my husband had a dream that he was holding her hand and walking into the store with her, after he told me about it I trusted it. I KNEW everything would be ok.

But it wasn't.

I walked by her urn and picture tonight and just ached to hold her, to snuggle with her. I miss her so much.

The Faces of Grief

2009-12-04T16:14:00.011-06:00

Today as I was catching up on my blogger updates I saw La La Land's post Looking backward for a moment and stopped on the picture of her. I clicked on it immediately and hit my keyboard frantically to make it larger.

There it was,

that face, that look,

it was like staring into a mirror. As I looked at her face it all came rushing back. The pain, the numbness, the overwhelming feeling of darkness and loss.

That picture was taken about two weeks after she lost her second child, Zoe.

At that moment I wanted to reach over and hug her, tell her that we are sisters, we always will be, sisters of loss.

I remember feeling so alone in the days, weeks and months after my daughter passed, so isolated and shocked. Feeling like no one else could possibly feel the way I am feeling, but yet there it is, that face of grief staring back at me, reminding me that I am not alone, I never was.

So here I am today, remembering the pain and that awful numbness it brings. I too am going to look back at those horrific days when the blinders came off and the world opened itself up and swallowed me whole, here is a picture I took a little while after losing my daughter.

If you feel up to it, post your picture of Grief,

we are all sisters of loss.

Momma

2009-12-01T16:09:00.003-06:00

As this baby tumbles around my belly I run my hands over it and coo softly, "Momma loves you Ash..." and I have to stop myself, this is not my first born daughter in my belly, it is another brand new life, my daughter is gone.

I start again, "Momma loves you little one," I correct myself and stare down at my large round belly trying to envision how the baby is laying in there.

Having redeemed myself, the baby rewards me with punches, jabs and what I think might have been a karate kick. Ashlyn is going to be a big sister, I wonder if she is watching from heaven, smiling and proud.

I love you baby girl, I will always love you, forever and ever. I know you are watching over your little brother or sister.

Momma

Real

2009-11-26T20:02:00.002-06:00

Yesterday my husband and I went to do a little last minute shopping at William Sonoma, as we needed a thermometer. It is a pretty quick drive from where we live but by the time we got there my bladder felt like it was about to burst. I thought I could hold it until we got home but as we walked up to the register to check out I realized that I couldn't. So I told my husband I really couldn't wait and that we should find the nearest restroom fast. The older lady who was checking us out gave me a weird look after I said it. I don't know why but after that I felt the need to explain my frantic eyes and why I needed to go pee ASAP.

I told my husband jokingly that this baby was doing somersaults on my bladder and laughed, he smiled.

The lady took a quick glance down at my belly and then gave a sneer, as if to say, "Whatever girl, you are just fat, quit making excuses."

I don't know why but that hurt my feelings. Maybe it was because no one ever thought I was pregnant with Ashlyn. Even the day before I gave birth to her a cleaning lady came in and asked me where my baby was.

It hurt.

Maybe this baby has Potter's too, is that why no one can tell yet?

I tell myself that I am still early, there is still hope for this one, but days like yesterday make the terror so real again.

Frenzy

2009-11-23T11:34:00.002-06:00

I broke yesterday. I didn't break down, but I definitely broke. We were in the store shopping for last minute Thanksgiving stuff and I just couldn't take it anymore. There were people everywhere, I almost got hit twice with shopping carts pushed by harried moms with wild looks in there eyes. I had had enough. I felt smothered, squashed and trampled on.

When we finally got outside and I could breathe again, DH noted on how much of a bitch I was in the store. Really?

I came home and cried. He looked at me like I was crazy. Had he forgotten already? Was he back to normal finally? Was I the crazy one still having flashbacks from that terrible day? Why couldn't I handle the feeding frenzy at the store today and he could?

There is nothing wrong with me, I am still grieving, and it still hits me hard and fast sometimes that I literally can't breathe. DH doesn't seem to understand this. We are more than a year out now since she left us and it still seems like I just held her in my arms.

It hurts so damn much.

Cry

2009-11-18T12:12:00.003-06:00

I woke up in a good mood today, but then my husband had to ruin it. He has been so callous lately, so hot-tempered and mean. Maybe it's the stress of this new baby. Maybe he is incredibly worried but he won't show it. I have talked to him about it before and he always has the same answer. He says he didn't mean to say those things or act that way.

Today I was in such a good mood, and him being mean just crushed me. I am sitting here about to cry because I feel so defeated. It wasn't a big argument it was just a few quick comments that sliced me to the bone.

I am weak right now, emotionally weak. I just want to curl up and cry and cry and cry.

Crazy

2009-11-14T22:31:00.003-06:00

As I lay on the couch tonight, rubbing my belly and willing the baby to kick me, I asked my husband "If we find out something is wrong with this baby at 20 weeks, just like Ashlyn, I want to carry it to full term." He said nothing, there was only a long sigh and then silence. I went on, "Does that make me crazy?" Silence, then he said, "No."

"Ok." I said.

I don't want to lose another baby, but what I want and what I will get might be two totally different things, so I need to prepare for that. At least, I say I will prepare, but there really isn't anything I can do to soften the blow if it happens.

Move

2009-11-13T13:44:00.003-06:00

We have a date, and I am terrified. At the very end of December we will find out if this baby is healthy or not, if we even make it that far. Right now I am staring down at my belly willing this baby to move. The last few days his or her movements have gotten less and less, and that scares me.

I keep remembering how it was with my daughter. That day I lay on the table in the ultrasound room, having a deep sickening feeling in my stomach but pushing it down, trying to ignore it. Then it happened, the ultrasound started, and everything came crashing down.

I remember the tech saying, "How far along are you again?" and "Have you been leaking anything?"

I started crying, and I knew it was bad.

Will it be like that again? Will we come out of that little room shattered again?

Move baby MOVE, I can't stop rubbing my belly hoping this baby will respond, and still, nothing.

Can I get an elbow? Or just a little nudge in there please little one?

Shot

2009-11-09T10:36:00.003-06:00

I woke up early on Saturday morning and trudged out to the car, nervous and palms sweating. What will happen? Will my baby die after this? I was still nervous as we parked and I stepped out of the car clutching the form in my right hand. The lady was nice, but was about to turn me away until I told her I was pregnant, then she rushed me inside and told me good luck.

As we walked around the building through caution tape and large traffic cones designed to accommodate the crowd, I tried to be optimistic. I could hear the roar of voices before we even got into the building.

I had to do this, I told myself. We walked inside and ran the maze of tables. One table to look at paperwork, second table to figure out the dosage, third table (escorted by security guard) to finally get the shot. The nurse was nice. She was older and experienced so that helped. It was over quickly. On to next table, given paperwork and escorted out the door.

"WOW! that was crazy!" I told my husband.

All of that just for the H1N1 shot! It was over in about five minutes I would say, but damn was it nerve wracking!

I took a nap shortly after we got home, the shot made me pretty sleepy. A few hours later around 3 or 4 (I got the shot at 9 am) I started feeling very dizzy, and I started to feel like I was going to pass out. I got very hot too. It felt like my blood sugar was low, but I knew it wasn't because I had just eaten and was drinking juice. Then my chest started to feel really tight, and it was hard to breathe. My husband sat with me and after a little while I started to feel better. I have never had that kind of reaction from a shot before! It scared the shit out of me!

The baby is ok as far as I know though, he or she has given me a few good thumps today so that's good. That whole experience was scary as hell though!

Stop

2009-11-06T11:09:00.001-06:00

The spotting has stopped, thank goodness. Thank you everyone for your prayers and good thoughts. **HUGS**

Spotting

2009-11-05T10:19:00.002-06:00

After a great appointment yesterday with the high risk doctor I woke up crampy and spotting today. Dark brown thank god but still it's freaking me out. I am also getting the H1N1 shot today so please please pray for me that this baby will be ok. I am a nervous wreck right now. I won't go to the ER unless the spotting turns red so I really hope it stops.

Hello again

2009-11-02T11:41:00.003-06:00

I have my first high risk doctors appointment on Wednesday, and I'm nervous. Nervous to be in the same office, the same room, and see the same doctors that gave us the bad news about our daughter. They are very wonderful doctors, I feel so bad for them though. We were their first case of Potter's Syndrome, and they really beat themselves up over not finding it until after she was born. They monitored me for months, weekly ultrasounds, daily NST's and multiple doppler checks, checked on me almost every day in the hospital, and still, they missed it.

So I feel bad for them, it hit one of the doctors particularly hard. The nurses told me the day I was released from the hospital that he had taken all of my ultrasounds, NST's and files home with him to figure out what he had missed. I felt bad for him. He is a wonderful doctor, and I will tell him that when I see him again. No one could have predicted she had no kidneys.

Most people I try to explain it to just don't understand. I get the, "Huh? What do you mean no kidneys?" It's like saying the baby was born with three heads, people just can't fathom it. When we saw the midwife last week she didn't understand either, but just brushed it off and kept talking. I hate it when people do that. At least try to seem like you care what Potter's is.

It will be scary and good to see my doctors again, now I just need to get up the courage to walk in the door.

Thump

2009-10-30T12:10:00.001-05:00

As I type this I can feel the baby thumping around in my belly. I first felt Ashlyn at 14 weeks but this time the flutters started early, I hope that is a sign the baby will be all right.

Appointment

2009-10-29T12:32:00.003-05:00

I had my first doctors appointment today, and I am happy to report that the baby is doing very well! We heard the heartbeat and saw him/her on the ultrasound! It was so beautiful! They are referring me to a genetic counselor for a few visits so that's good. I am hoping this baby is 100% healthy and doesn't have any genetic problems like our daughter did. I just pray that this baby can come home with is alive and well.

At the start of the visit the doctor asked what had happened to our first child, and I totally lost it. I looked away and started sobbing. My husband thankfully took over. It was a hard visit but definitely a good one.

From what we saw, this baby might have kidneys. There was enough amniotic fluid to see a lot of the baby's bones, so hopefully that means kidneys. We will find out for sure in the coming weeks though.

Belly

2009-10-24T19:59:00.003-05:00

I have had a shitty few days so that's why I have had the lag in posting. DH and I have been getting on each others nerves lately, this pregnancy is terrifying for us both. Every time I wake up and every time I lay my head down to sleep I wonder, will this one live? Will God take away this gift too? I try not to dwell on those thoughts but there are always there, gnawing at my brain as usual. I figured I haven't posted any pictures in a while so here are a few belly shots.

2009-10-21T17:01:00.002-05:00

I just read a members post on the grieving parent forum I am a member of and something she said really hit me hard.

She wrote of her baby, that she had lost her, and included a picture of her child that was to gorgeous for words. As she ended her story she wrote, "Why me? Why my family?"

I had a flash as I read her story, imagining her life, her wedding, her getting that positive pregnancy test, and then, months later, the inevitable tragedy. It hurt me that someone else had to go through that pain. I can't adequately explain it. It's that horrible aching kind of pain that hits your heart and head simultaneously and makes you want to cry.

The chills spread down my arms as I recalled thinking those same things after we lost Ashlyn. I still say them to myself sometimes, silently now of course, as to not upset my husband.

I just wanted to grab her hand and walk with her. I wanted to hear her story and let her pour out all of her pain to me. I hope she is ok today, I wish I could do more.

Grateful

2009-10-18T21:49:00.002-05:00

The strangest thing just happened. I was perusing the internet looking up stuff and all of a sudden I had the urge to look up baby clothes.

**INSERT LARGE GASP HERE**

The urge left just as quickly as it came.

Another strange thing happened yesterday as my husband and I were watching Americas Funniest Home Videos. There was a video of two babies in walkers and one was glaring at the other one and then the other one started crying. It was funny, so I laughed, but the strange thing was what I said.

I said, "Awwwww that was so adorable."

**INSERT ANOTHER LARGE GASP HERE**

My husband immediately looked at me wide eyed after I said it, and I looked at him shocked as well. Those words just felt so alien. He said he couldn't believe I had said that, and I agreed.

I don't know what's going on but it is scaring me, it's normal for regular pregnant women to want to look at baby clothes and cute babies, but I am not a normal pregnant woman. I am having a hard time understanding these subtle changes. I do not want to let my guard down. I will not let my guard down.

I am trying desperately to be happy and excited for this baby but at the same time thinking realistically as the statistics of death run through my head. Each day this baby lives inside me is another day I am grateful for. I tell myself that every single day, every time I smile, and every time I think of my daughter, I am grateful, so very very grateful.

Lit a candle

2009-10-16T10:09:00.003-05:00

I lit a candle yesterday, for my daughter and for all of the babies gone way to soon. It felt so nice watching that little candle glow while we curled up on the couch. It felt like we were a family, all snuggled together.

Damn

2009-10-14T17:47:00.002-05:00

It hurt. It really hurt.

It hurt so bad as I looked at those pictures I got angry, and I worried that 7 months from now that baby will still be here and mine will be with his sister.

Looking at those pictures just really hurt, so much so that I am fighting back the tears as I type this.

If it hurts this much to just look at newborn photos how will I be if I lose this one too?

Our male friend had his baby a few weeks ago and he just recently put up tons of pictures on his myspace.

I kept looking at those pictures wondering, so that's what a healthy living newborn is supposed to look like.

I am still amazed babies live, maybe if this one lives my heart will heal a little, I hope so.

Right now I just want to curl up on the couch and just cry.

Take it back

2009-10-13T08:44:00.003-05:00

There is so much to say today. I am nine weeks and just trying to untangle all these thoughts running through my head. It so strange to pass my daughters urn in the bedroom and touch her picture, and hold my belly at the same time. Two children, whatever happens, I will always be a mother to two children. I am having a very hard time wrapping my head around that.

What if this child lives? What if this child dies? I have so many what if's in my head I could explode.

As I read my friends post yesterday (Kara's mom) I felt really upset. I wish I could wear a shirt that says something like, my other baby is in heaven or something like that, to let other people know that I am not naive to death, to babyloss. I don't want others to see me or my belly and get hurt or sad or angry, because I have been there. I am still there, just with a baby on the way. Seeing others coo over there bellies makes me angry. Seeing them buy baby stuff while heavily pregnant make me furious, I still want to go over to them and grab them by the shoulders and say, "Don't buy anything yet, your baby may not live!" but of course I can't do that.

I didn't have any luck in finding a pregnancy shirt recognizing babyloss, go figure. Apparently people don't think you want to show others your loss when you are pregnant again. (not true) DH told me it wasn't a good idea, because people would give me strange looks. Maybe they NEED to be giving me looks, maybe they NEED to recognize that people lose there babies. The world isn't all happiness and roses.

I went to the store the other day and saw all of the pink ribbons, banners, and posters up about breast cancer awareness month. I wish I could walk up and paste an Infant Loss Awareness Poster on top of them. What would people do then? Would they stop and stare? Would they get angry? Maybe we should all make Infant Loss Awareness posters and paste them up around town and see what happens. I feel like every October they monopolize this month, we should take it back.

Name

2009-10-07T15:06:00.004-05:00

She had a name,

a beautiful strong name,

that she heard every day,

she knew her name,

she pounded on my belly whenever I said it,

her name was special,

her name was hers,

Her name was Ashlyn,

A sweet friend wrote her name in the sand in Wisconsin, it looks beautiful doesn't it?

I know she loves it, thanks again dear friend.

More to the story

2009-10-06T13:05:00.003-05:00

As we walked into the ER a few days ago I was prepared for the worst. Not just the worst news about my baby, but the worst people. I was convinced the doctors and nurses would be terrible, cruel even. I was wrong.

As we stepped up to the ER desk I manged to pull out my ID and hand it over while saying, "I think I'm miscarrying." The words tumbled out, I felt the sobs try to escape and I held them in, barely.

The triage nurse walked me back to get my blood pressure and history. She was an older woman, probably mid-fifties, and as she spoke her voice seemed so light an carefree. As she wrapped the blood pressure cuff around my arm she asked, what pregnancy number is this? I looked at her and said, "Two, it's my second." and then I couldn't hold back the sobs anymore.

She was sweet, she asked me if I had miscarried the first one, I shook my head no, and continued to sob. My husband told her about our daughter and she nodded. She stood up very quickly after that and walked to the end of the hallway, saying she was searching for tissues for me. I tried to compose myself and a few minutes later she came back, unable to find any tissues.

She sat down next to me and looked me in the eyes and said, "I know my grief is much different than yours and I could never begin to understand what you are going through, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry." "I lost my daughter at 17 and when people ask me how many children I have I tell them three, I can't leave her out, I just can't." I nodded and told her I was sorry for her loss.

She walked us back to the room after that and then left to help other patients.

After everything was done and we were sitting in that room holding the ultrasound picture of our second baby and talking to the doctor, she knocked on the door and walked in. She apologized for barging in but she heard about our good news and she just had to give me a hug.

I showed her the picture and she gave me a long hug. She then told me when we had told her about losing our first born that had hit her hard, and she had to fight back the tears. (That's why she went to the end of the hallway supposedly looking for tissues) She said the was so glad things were ok for now, and that we were cautiously happy. (our words and hers)

Cautiously happy, those words fit us so well, and every babyloss momma who is pregnant again.

ER

2009-10-04T12:39:00.003-05:00

Yesterday afternoon we headed to the ER because I had some unexplained bleeding. I was sure I was miscarrying. They took blood and did an internal exam. They did an ultrasound too. I was so scared to look at the screen but the doctor told me to look and I saw our baby! We could see it's little heart beating! It was beautiful!

Fast forward to this morning. I get up still groggy eyed and get a glass of water and a Kashi bar. I eat almost the whole kashi bar and then look down and see WHITE FUZZY MOLD on it! So I throw it at my husband and run to the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat. I manage to throw up some of it, and I hope it was enough.

I don't have a fever yet and no cramping yet either, so I'm crossing my fingers that the mold doesn't hurt the baby. Please pray for this baby!

Rude

2009-09-28T17:37:00.006-05:00

For the first time in my life I was rude to a person on purpose. It wasn't entirely my mouths fault though, I heard the words for a second in my brain and then BAM! Out they came, I didn't really have a chance to stop them.

My husband said I was rude because right now it is my defense mechanism, and that it is ok. I am still grieving. My wound is still very much open.

I'll sum up the conversation:

Doctor: "You haven't changed your contacts in over a year? Seriously?"

Me: Nope.

Her: "You do know (lists horrible things that could happen to your eyes)"

Me: Yep.

Her: "So really, you really never changed your contacts for over a year?"

Me: "Well after my daughter died I really didn't give a freaking crap about things anymore."

Her: "..."

and then the sobbing started.

I still felt sorry for the petite blond doctor who was examining me, the look on her face was hard to distinguish.

I hate explaining to people about my daughter, I always start sobbing and it catches them off guard.

I am not a rude person. When I get backed into a corner and feel like the person is looking or talking down to me I flip out. These rude words come flying out of my mouth and the second after I say them I start crying because that is not me. I am defending myself, that's all.

To be honest what I said to her wasn't incredibly rude, and I didn't curse at her or anything. It was just something I would never say before I lost my daughter.

I am a new person now, and I need to accept that.

Not my daughter

2009-09-21T09:55:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was not a very good day. A friend called my husband as he was holding his brand new baby boy, who was healthy and alive.

It hurt, it hurt terribly. My husband feigned happiness for him. He is very good at hiding his pain in front of others. After he got off of the phone I could tell it hurt him.

This friend knows of our loss, but was overcome by his own happiness that he forgot about ours. I know he did not do it intentionally, he just wanted to share his joy.

I still wanted to smack him for his naivete. He knows we are pregnant again too, maybe he thinks just because we are pregnant again that it's ok to talk about his new arrival?

NO. It is not ok.

We went to the store a little while after that. After we were done shopping and were walking out the door a little girl about Ashlyn's age came running up to me, and I stopped dead in my tracks. She was smiling and laughing. I just stared at her for a second, and then pushed myself on, trying to hold back the sobs.

As we got to the car I got in, sat down and started crying.

For a split second I thought that was Ashlyn. My daughter running up to me, like it should have been.

No, it was not my daughter. My daughter would never run up to me, she would never laugh, she would never raise her arms to me to be picked up.

She is gone.

OB

2009-09-16T13:02:00.004-05:00

My husband and I tried to get an appointment the other day at the OB's office but we were turned away because of lab work problems.

Walking in there I knew it would be hard.

The room was packed with naive parents, and huge swollen bellies. Children in strollers were everywhere.

I made it about five feet when trembling started. I stared at the receptionist, hoping to look at her and gain some semblance of confidence or familiarity.

But no. All I saw was pain.

I looked away from her and started gasping for air. Trying to hold in the hot tears I could feel about to glide down my cheeks. I turned around and made my way back out the door and then the tears started flowing. My whole body continued to tremble, but I knew I had to go back in.

I apologized to my husband but he said it was ok. He said he saw the exact moment it happened. It looked like I had walked into a wall.

I had walked into a wall, a wall of grief, saddness and anger.

These were the people who took care of my daughter, these were the people who treated me and my daughter so badly.

I have to go back on tomorrow, maybe this time I won't walk into that wall, but I doubt it.

Life

2009-09-13T14:03:00.002-05:00

As I walk by my daughters urn every day, multiple times a day, I stare at her, wondering if she knows. Does she she know what will happen to this baby? I stop and put my hand on her urn, and stare at her picture.

Will this child die too baby girl?

I yearn for an answer. Deep down I am scared. I look at my stomach and wonder, 8 months from now, what will happen?

Will both my children die?

I know that you can never predict life, and that is what I am most scared of.

Long

2009-09-08T08:59:00.002-05:00

As I sit here and type I am trying to calm that knot in my stomach. Every baby loss momma who is pregnant again knows what I am talking about. That knot that sits there, twisting and turning, flaring up every now and then, tensing you up.

I am nervous for this baby, scared and happy.

I have been repeating this quote over and over in my head the past few days, it is the only thing that gets me to sleep,

"When the world says give up, hope whispers try one more time."

If this baby goes up to heaven then we will try again, and again and again. However long it takes.

11 DPO

2009-09-02T07:43:00.002-05:00

Today's test at 11 days past ovulation:
I'm so glad they are getting darker, I really hope this baby makes it.

Why?

2009-09-01T10:46:00.002-05:00

I have just read about my friends third child, Jet, passing away today and I am so upset. I don't understand why things like this happen, especially to wonderful people like Mirne and Craig.

Here is the link to there blog, http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/

Mirne and Craig, I am so sorry for your loss, words cannot describe how unfair this is. I am so so sorry.

Positive

2009-09-01T07:19:00.002-05:00

I took this a little while ago and I am still in shock!

Positive vibes please, I hope this one comes home with us.

Cheated

2009-08-31T07:28:00.003-05:00

I cheated. I took a test on Saturday, and it was a BFN. So because of that my husband wants to me wait until tomorrow to test again, if my spotting doesn't start by then of course.

Wish me luck.

Countdown

2009-08-27T15:28:00.003-05:00

4 days left until testing. Technically by then I will be 5 days from my official period starting, and 2 days from my pre-period spotting starting, so yeah, this month I am obsessing a little.

Every time I go into the bathroom I look at them, those damn pregnancy tests, glaring at me, mocking me, I almost took one this morning, but my husband caught me right before I did and stopped me thankfully.

I feel like conception is close, cautiously close, and because of that feeling I can't sleep at night, I toss and turn and fight with my anxious mind.

Every day I wake up and look at the date, and check if I have any symptoms, nope, nothing as usual my body tells me. This month is especially bad, because I have noticed I am in a loop of sorts.

For a month I am VERY anxious and hopeful and test early and so on, and then the very next month I don't care. I don't buy tests because I have no hope. This month is a hopeful month, and I'm scared.

FRER

2009-08-24T14:00:00.003-05:00

Every month is a big long roller coaster. At first I think, maybe this month and get depressed, then I get a little better, a bit more hopeful, and then it all comes to a head when, right before my period comes, I get really excited to think it actually worked this time,

and it doesn't.

This month will be the 5th or 6th th month trying (eight months from when we said we would start trying)

I bought a two pack of FRER's yesterday. I asked DH, as I do every month, "Do you think we will get pregnant this month?"

He said yes, and I said no. I told him I think it will take longer than this. He is forever the optimistic one though, he keeps me going.

I will not test till this Friday, or even that following Monday if I can hold out that long. I have to test before the 1st though, since that is when my pre-period spotting will likely start.

TTC sucks, it really fucking sucks, especially when you are not getting anywhere.

Idea

2009-08-20T15:24:00.003-05:00

I'm sad today. I'm missing my daughter and wondering how many people on earth understand exactly how I am feeling right now. Grief is so encompassing and so lonely, even though there are millions of us all around the world, suffering.

I know I am not alone, yet I feel like it every day. Maybe we all should wear neon green arm bands on Oct. 15th, so we can all see each other on the streets, in the grocery stores, so we know we are not alone. If I could get this idea out, I would. I wish I could make it work.

We are not alone, we have friends on every corner, we just don't know it.

Shocked

2009-08-17T07:16:00.003-05:00

This morning I opened my email to find a note from one of my friends from a mom site I frequent.

She knows my whole story, down the the last detail.

Her email blew me away though.

She said if I needed her she could be my surrogate. *insert flabbergasted smiley here*

I was not prepared to read and email like that so early in the morning.

I don't know what shocked me more, the thought of my failed fertility and the fact that maybe I should indeed come to terms with the fact that I might never have another child, or the fact that this woman, who I have never met in real life, has offered me her body as a safe place for my children to grow.

I am confused, upset, angry, sad, and truthfully, my heart hurts. I am gearing up to try another cycle this month, trying to be positive, trying to recover some hope from deep down, but I feel like I have had the air knocked out of me again.

I don't understand how some people think they are helping when they really aren't.

Finished

2009-08-14T16:44:00.002-05:00

I have finished my blog for now. I hope you all like it. =)

Today has been ok. Is it strange that I hate being around children now? Before it was just a vague uneasiness but now I full on HATE being around them. I hate feeling this way. It makes me feel like I'm not even human anymore.

I feel like I am that woman on the corner that your parents warn you to stay away from, because she is "childless" and hates the world. I don't hate the world though, I am just very very angry with it.

Has anyone else felt or is still feeling this way?

Maybe

2009-08-12T22:41:00.002-05:00

I know my blog is fucked up, I haven't been able to find any backgrounds I like so I am just trying to work it out the best I can.

I miss my daughter today. Feeling her in my arms was so wonderful. I miss that feeling.

I wonder if I am infertile. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe it was a miracle that I was able to conceive my daughter in the first place. I don't know. I am upset tonight. I just wish I had her back in my arms where she belongs.

Maybe this month will be different, maybe, just maybe.

Falling Out

2009-08-11T22:26:00.002-05:00

I'm back, I think.

I haven't been around much the past few days because our A/C went out and we have been sweaty and grouchy, but we got it fixed today so I am happy to say I am finally cool!

I had a falling out with a friend last night. Being drunk and in the grief pit are not a very good mix when a friend isn't being supportive. I totally let her have it. It felt good to get some extreme bitchiness off my chest but I know I hurt our friendship. Right now I don't care though.

She will never understand what I am feeling. Unless she loses a child she will never fully understand. Hell she didn't even try to be comforting, she just ignored my pain and frustrations and that pissed me the fuck off.

She talked about how hard it is TTC because she has been trying for three months and she doesn't understand why she isn't pregnant yet. WTF?! SERIOUSLY?!

Then she goes on to say how she has to have another child ASAP, because her deadline is to have another one before she moves, so her kids can have the same doctor. Are you fucking kidding me?

Naive people piss me the fuck off.